Ok, so there’s been a lot of question about the locomotion of zombies, and many different interpretations of their abilities; and it’s all getting out of hand so I thought I’d write this article to clear everything up. It came to a head this morning, when, standing in line at a convenient store, I witnessed two grown men get into a knife fight over the speed and abilities of what they both defined as a “true zombie.”
The knife fight did not end well, and it’s been bothering me how often I see this happen.
It usually starts with something as simple as a bumper sticker or t-shirt: one of the gentlemen in line this morning was wearing a “Dawn of the Dead” t-shirt. The object usually starts a friendly conversation that escalates slowly into a disagreement.
You can always see it coming if you know what to look for. One of the people in the conversation always steers it slowly toward the movement of zombies.
Something like, “Of course, the zombies in ‘Dawn of the Dead’ were those wacky slow-walking zombies.”
Then, of course, the other person says, “What do you mean wacky?”
And, I’m sure you know exactly what happens from there. And, before you know it, blood is everywhere and someone is screaming for an ambulance.
And, this can all be solved with a little examination.
The question is directly related to their movement, and the styles with which different film-makers and book writers have portrayed it.
The styles range pretty wildly from the slow, shambling gait of a stumbling, dead zombie (See any George Romero Zombie movie or “Thriller” by Michael Jackson and John Landis) to the super-human speed of cheetahs (‘Xombies’ by Walter Greatshell).
The problem that starts this whole mess, every single time, is the question about what defines a zombie. And, the reason it starts so many arguments is because no one ever thinks to ask the question.
I propose that there are two types of zombies: Those that are fundamentally ‘alive’ and those that are physically ‘dead.’
This is an extremely important distinction, and I’m not going to make a stance on whether one or the other is truly a ‘zombie’ per se, but I do want to make it clear to my readers that there are two distinct classes of zombie: The physically living and the physically dead.
Why is this an important distinction?
Because it ultimately defines the speed with which the zombie locomotes.
Living Zombies: Ultimately, it has to be said that no zombie is truly living. The fact that they are driven to murderous rage and insanity is a clear indication that zombies can never be said to truly be living.
Living, in this context, refers to the strictly biological functions of the zombie’s body.
A zombie is said to be alive when it’s body is still, biologically, functional.
Examples of the living zombie are the “zombies” from ‘28 Days Later’ or the ‘xombies’ from the previously mentioned book by the same name. These zombies aren’t necessarily dead in the biological sense of the word.
Their lack of deadness implies multiple things:
First, it means that their muscles and joints retain a flexibility that would be lost in death. The circulation, and therefore easier movement, remains intact.
Second, the fluids in the body remain distributed. A lack of distribution, as in dead bodies, results in rigormortis, which impedes balance and movement.
Third, they can be killed. This sets them apart from the “dead” zombies. The living zombie, unlike his dead counter-part, can die of starvation or blood loss.
Dead Zombies: This personification of the “walking dead” is exactly that. And, as a result of his physiological deadness, he/she suffers from all of the maladies mentioned above.
Rigormortis, lack of flexibility, lack of balance, dry skin and and dried mucous membranes (resulting in vision loss and blindness, as well as an inability to speak or yell).
The one upside, or downside depending on how you look at the situation, for the dead zombie is his/her inability to die.
I realize that these categories are very generalized and fail to define a number of other factors (How the zombie came into existence, it’s condition before it became a zombie, etc) but the generalization was intentional.
The separation into two categories, categories that can predicate the answer to a crucial argument, clarifies the situation and arms potential aggressors with the ability to avoid bloodshed and loss of life.
In the event that you find yourself about to defend the locomotion of “zombies,” or about to witness a horrible fight,make sure that both parties in the argument have clearly defined the type of zombie they are talking about.
The correct response to “Zombies aren’t slow and shambling like that.” is, “Well, the living ones aren’t.”
I leave you on a serious note with an image of a zombie cat… and a link for further reading: Zombie Comic
